INT - Windgrace Manor, day
Dinah was in her room, sat at her vanity. Her knives had been set aside since last night and she was trying to make herself look...vaguely normal. From time to time, she'd glance towards the terrarium in the corner as if expecting...something. anything...to happen.
With another sigh she picked up her makeup brush, neatly dabbing at her eyes to rim them in black and gold powder.
Dorian was freshly bathed after his morning ride. He came to Dinah's room door with the sort of bouquet in hand that one could get absent exports, a smattering of wild things and flowers from gardens and yards. He was pretty sure she was in there, but not so sure she'd admit him. Even still, he knocked a little rhythm on the door frame, as if she needed that to let her know that he was there looming.
Dinah looked up towards the door at the knock and she set the brush down. she didn't need to reach out to know who it was back there, knowing that it would be her twin at the door. Noone else really knocked like that.
"it's open, Dorian" she said tiredly, reaching for another brush to start tending to the gold powder at her inner eyes, watching the doorway over her shoulder in her reflection
Dorian reached for the knob and pushed his way in, catching sight of her immediately. He'd not make a fuss about the flowers he'd brought, just set them on the pouf behind her. Their lively colours seemed so out of phase with the dim tones she donned, but that'd not stop him laying them by her like an offering. It wasn't the first such bouquet, not the second since she'd been cross and sad. It was the first time in a while that he'd come to her room knowing she was there. "Good day Dinah. I thought I would bring something to help brighten yours."
He'd cast his eyes over what of her flesh he could see before setting his eyes upon her reflection in her mirror.
Dinah turned a little as he set the flowers down, picking up the bouquet in her hand whilst the other set her makeup brush down. She drew the flowers into her lap, curling her fingers over the petals.
"Thank you" she said softly after a few moments of hesitation, still looking down at the bright flowers instead of back up towards her brother. she wasn't sure what to think... whether it was better to be angry, to explode and get it out of her system or just sit in the quiet still.
She lifted the flowers to herself, burying her cheeks in the petals, watching him out of the corner of her eye.
Dorian faltered where he stood, scruffling the hair at the back of his head with the hand that had been holding the bouquet. He wanted to say things and not to say things that would disturb her at once. Looking over to the skull, then back to her shook loose some verbiage, "You are most welcome. I know you are.... I know you are cross with me. I accept that I did other than I said I would. I was worried about you. That is why. I wanted--well, it does not matter now. I am sorry to have abused my word, your trust."
It was maddening in the back of his mind that she'd mope over the German for so long, but that wasn't more important than closing the distance that had gulfed open between them since the fateful night in Drystan's room. He had to keep his opinion on that matter to himself in most ways.
Dinah sighed as he spoke and she nodded mutely, closing her eyes as she inhaled the scent of the flowers.
"I would have told him. He'd probably have reacted the same way. He came down into the tunnels after. To see for himself. brought his little...stash with him" she rubbed one of the white flower petals between her fingers.
"He apologized too, at least. but it doesn't really help matters, to my mind. One of you went behind my back, and the other screamed at me and cast me aside when I needed them. What am I to do with that, I wonder?" she turned on the pouf, peering up towards her twin. "It made an already painful time worse, Dorian. you have no idea how much worse"
Dorian stood where he was, rather than closing the distance as he wished to. He shook his head at her a little bit when she responded, as she was clearly not ready to let bygones be gone. This was not surprising to him given the depth of the depression she'd been in. But there was no way out except through, and he had decided today was the day he did his bit. In reply his words came slowly, but he didn't take the silver of his gaze from the gold of hers. "If apologies will not help, then I hope knowing that what I did was out of concern for you might. Eventually Drystan would have noticed your grief, whether or not you were ready. I do not apologize that I care for you and sought help. I apologize that you know how little of your grief I share."
Dinah sighed again and she shook her head, lowering the flowers to her lap.
"Part of me would like to believe you. but at the same time, I can see the glee you hold in your heart that he's dead. I don't think you would have done it to hurt me but I just...don't understand why you would invite me in to speak with drystan after you just told him. And you didn't even tell him correctly what had happened." she sagged, a faint, lifeless smile touching her lips.
"this might kill us, you know. Hunter doesn't seem to think so but we get our longevity from yog-sothoth. What if he rescinds his gifts? What if the next time we need to open the realms he just...does not open them?" she asked in a small voice. "What if...because of me..the shard dies?"
Dorian kept on trying to explain though he wasn't sure it'd help. "I would invite you because I thought it best if you told the story. I thought Drystan would at least be able to talk to you without this... distance the snake Roesler put between us two. I did not know just what had happened, but our brother had questions and you had answers, and the three of us are it. Against the world. We never needed a Niles Roesler before, why would we need him now to continue existing? You are caring for the shard, now, it is in better hands than it was. I will never understand what the two of you saw in that man."
<But I am angry that he's hurt my family.> The unspoken words were right there at the tip of his mind. The same ones that had been there when they last spoke on the topic. It seemed even in death the Sidhe didn't escape Dorian's ire.
Dinah gently set her flowers down, rising to her feet and she brushed polleny fingers across her skirt.
"He didn't ask me questions that I could answer because I had been ambushed by needing to answer them, but for the wreckage of whatever I answered, it was apparently not enough that he didn't need to check it for himself later" Her jaw worked for a moment and she drew a deep, deep breath.
"Do you want to know why I was so fond of niles, dorian? without you immediately turning it around to believing that I must have been secretly planning on eloping with him or some nonsense?" she cocked her head to one side.
"Because he made me feel normal." she opened her palms. "All throughout my life I have either been treated as either a commodity, or you put me on a pedestal. Noone else was ever allowed to get close enough that I could have befriended them but even if they had, how much in common would we have had? Nothing. I am not like you who can go out dancing and drinking with strangers and find some common ground. They find me strange, or haughty. The work has left deeper marks than you could ever fathom but Niles had them too. He understood. we could talk about shared interests, and shared studies like peers would, and it made me feel like I wasn't just stranded in an island of people that would never, ever know me beyond wanting my money or wanting to fuck me. you don't understand. I don't think you ever would, because people adore you. you have no idea how truly lonely it can be to feel like a freak"
Dorian also didn't know how what she said correlated to why he couldn't be enough for her, but some of it hit home and hit hard. In a grumbled whisper, he repeated the word she said that hurt, "Normal?" And the other, "Lonely?" He closed his eyes and turned his head to one side as if he'd been struck and thought hard about what she said, his stubbly jaw working to chew through this problem. To swallow what he could. She already knew he did not comprehend the innate differences enough to break them down for him, but he was shaken by this information. After a moment he turned his face toward her and looked into her face.
He'd had to learn how to be jolly, put on charm and make friends. It was a result of Charles' insistence that Dorian become a navy man. It was how he'd survived being pushed out of the nest so young. At a loss for words he'd finally manage, "I am sorry you lost something so dear to you as feeling the way you want to feel." His voice wavered because it hurt that he was never going to be enough for her, but he concluded without another word, yet feeling the truth as Dinah saw it scarring his self esteem. At least she was beyond recriminations and accusations of faithlessness.
Dinah sighed and she nodded, stepping forward to brush her fingertips against the golden stubble on his cheeks. "I love you, Dorian. more than words exist for. but you always seem to have it so easy with people. you step out there, and people adore you just for being you. Why wouldn't they? you're wonderful" her lips pulled in that feeble half-smile again. "you sing and dance in public, you wore that...blasted banana suit and people adored it. Do you think I could ever do something like that? I wouldn't know how to talk to most of them, and even if I tried, I'd feel like every step was one wrong move, or i'd say or do something that they'd deem completely and utterly mental." she bowed her head forward to rest against his shoulder.
"it's hard to explain. but because he was just as broken as me... as broken as all of us... then I didn't have to try so hard to remember not to mention things that might unnerve people. Or if I had one of my moments, then it wouldn't matter as much. It was..comfortable. But that in itself was strange because he wasn't one of us. Does that make sense?"
Dorian's social graces were a gift that he never accounted among his own. He didn't think he did anything particularly special, apart from one thing. That thing was making the woman he loved know he thought her a goddess. Even that was somehow wrong though. He'd go quiet for another stretch of staring at her in thought. He endeavored to wrap his arm around her and hold her near, and for the moments he was moving to do this, only once she'd leaned upon him, there could be nothing wrong in all the world. The moment after though when he'd still said nothing, that one stretched on until he responded with his voice hollowed out, "No. I mean yes, but also no. I feel two ways about it. I want you to have your German if that is what he means to you. I wish he yet drew breath that you could be happy."
Even as he said it and every word hurt, he meant it. Without even being alive Niles Roesler struck a more than glancing blow. Dorian couldn't hide from his sister how much the understanding of her perspective wounded him, confirmed his fears. But he could immediately try to bury those feelings. Yes the personal glee of the man's demise yet dwelt inside the elder twin's heart too. His heart felt like such a big and empty place just now. Plenty of room for opposing desires.
Dinah didn't pull away as he wrapped his arm around her and she cuddled herself against him with a sigh, almost as if she were deflating against his chest.
"I know you didn't like him. I wish it could have been different. it's a strange feeling to have someone around that you don't need to be so guarded around. but even then, a lot of the time I still was. I never forgot your warnings, though.. I was always careful. I even slapped him once, did I tell you that?" she mumbled against his robe. "It's difficult to put into words. I suppose I will endure. provided, of course, we aren't struck down by Yog-Sothoth for this" she turned, looking towards the skull.
"...do you ever think that if i hadn't been in the way you two might have been friends? you seemed to get along once" she murmured in a small voice, pressing her cheek to his chest so she could hear his heartbeat. "...I... am sorry. if i have scared you. I love you dorian"
Dorian didn't deflate against her in turn only as a matter of principle. She was the one who needed succor for her suffering. And he'd provide that, no matter what it felt like. Pushing his feelings of inadequacy and hurt deep deep down he'd try to focus only on what she said. On answering her fully as he could, "I don't think I knew that you'd struck him, but I am sure he earned it. I ahhhhh I do not think we could have been friends, no. I cannot remember a time when I had warm feelings for the man, or even lukewarm ones. And I am not scared. You love me, so what have I to fear? You are utterly devoted to giving our gods their due, so I believe you will remain in their favour."
He absolutely was afraid, but he was denying it, pushing that feeling down down down down somewhere dark and deep within to reside with the other emotions which had no place when holding her close. He'd bend and press his face against the top of her head, closing his eyes to feel what it felt like to hold her.
"Oh... I fear you haven't been eating. And you need to," he tried for something like levity, however out of place it was. He also feared what his brother kept that stump of a boy for, but just like the skull in the terrarium it was not his concern.
Dinah mumbled a low sound in her throat when he mentioned her striking niles and she reached up, resting her hand against the bare part of his chest.
"It was after Stan told me they'd been together. I went up to the airship and I slapped him right across the face." she sighed gently "I was so mad. at both of them. It felt like I was being played for a fool. Used as a beard. Some nonsense." she trailed her fingers over his skin, following the veins beneath them.
"if you knew him as i did, you might have. He liked music too. He played the piano, like me. And though I only saw it briefly at the party before all hell broke loose, there might have been a dancer in there too. perhaps you could have been good for each other, if i'd not gotten in the way" she reached her arms up over his shoulders, holding herself to him.
When he mentioned her eating, she sighed again.
"i...haven't." she admitted begrudgingly "...i.. i haven't wanted to. i've not been hungry. the thought of putting anything in my mouth just makes me nauseous. I didn't even drink the booze that drystan brought to the tunnel. ever since, i haven't. I did have tea though, when berkshire stopped by" she pressed herself to his chest again "i... I will try. but i'm still not hungry"
Dorian didn't react to being told that Stan and Niles had had a go at one another because he'd already known this bewildering fact. As soon as it was revealed again it left his mind again. He was not meant to judge his brother's choice of lovers. He was not scared it meant that he'd lose the other half of his heart. He did however react to her gentle little touches and holding herself to him by biting his lip, by reaching his hand behind her to stroke her lower back. He wasn't meant to be thinking carnal thoughts just now so he'd have to shunt those feelings aside too. That took almost more doing than the others. His voice was low when he murred, "I know you are not hungry, Divine One. But you must keep up your strength. The shard needs you strong. The isle needs you strong. Drystan and I need you strong. I think even Niles would want you to take care of yourself. He cared for you. I will give him that, he had taste in that regard. But he also had tastes I... ...."
Niles Roesler had fed him his sister's heart. Another unforgivable offense, even though Dorian ate it willingly.
Dinah took another deep breath and buried her face against his neck when his hand drifted to her lower back, her fingers sneaking and snaking beneath his silk robe to press to his bare back. She huffed quietly but she nodded, slowly, pressing her lips to kiss him.
"...i found the rite to dispel the mist" she said quietly "i found it. I translated the book. we'll need you, darling, with us. we have to find some things. I told Berkshire what to find. we will have to try. Maybe when I'm a little better rested" she agreed. She lifted her head when he mentioned Nile's tastes and her smile paled.
"Then what does that mean for me, love?" she said weakly. "I have done just as badly. One more thing to add to the pile of things I suppose" she shivered. "...if I try to eat... i dont think ill eat meat for a while regardless"
Dorian imagined for a moment again, what it would have been like to have done what she'd done when the demon possessed her. It made him press himself closer to her, because he hated that she'd experienced such a thing. But even so, he didn't want to be able to count her every rib by sight. Trying to be sensitive to that fact, he explained, "Bread and marmalade. We'll start there, with tea. I am so sorry Dinah, not just for my part, but.... it was a terrible thing you endured. But see how we need you? You've translated it... I have to show you something I figured out. The armillary, I know how to change its position. I have to ask it for something. I mean... to point to something. And it will. I think that could help us."
Upon receiving his kiss he was again almost swept toward carnal thoughts in a tide of how long it had been since he'd laid with her. But he managed, due to the gravity of the things being discussed not to pick her up to carry her to her bed.
Dinah sniffled just a little as he tightened his embrace on her and she returned it in kind, squeezing herself close to him. She wrinkled her nose a little, even the thought of bread sounded like it would weigh like a brick in her stomach when she ate it.
"...i'll try" she murmured, tracing her fingers over his skin again "...maybe just the marmalade" she mumbled into his chest, but she lifted her head when he spoke of the armillary "...do you think...it could point us to when we need to perform the ritual to rend the veil?" she asked hopefully, gaze imploring.
Dorian put his other arm around her, aiming low to encircle her around the waist. He closed his eyes for a while and just enjoyed the feeling of being so close to her that he felt whole. There was an unaccustomed afterache to this feeling as voices of self-doubt needed repression again. It made ploughing through and lifting her in his arms seem the only way to peace. Through pleasure. More repression. He'd swallow over a dry lump in his throat and answer with a shaky sort of certainty, as if his mind was miles from what he spoke of, "I think the device just might. I needn't know the location when I calibrate it with blood, only what I am seeking. It pointed right home to Cheriton, I checked my compass twice. I asked it where my mother was. The way to the Great Wall. The way to Venus when she comes out early and I can see her bright in the early evening. I think... I think it may work. And you can have all of the marmalade." BY the time he was halfway through talking he was nodding gently, his face lowered to just beside hers, stealing some small intimacy that way.
Dinah smiled faintly as he kept her so close, kept his face so near to hers. she reached up to brush her fingers over his skin again. She'd missed being close to other people, missed the intimacy of having him so close. She was content to snuggle herself close to his chest, listening to his words.
"perfect...just perfect. how remarkable" she said in a murmur. "and just like that, you found one of the final pieces to our little puzzle, Dorian. i suspect it will work" she agreed, and she rested her cheek against his as his face lowered close to hers.
"thank you, Dorian darling. I won’t want all of the marmalade. that'll make me terribly sick"
Dorian also missed being close to someone like this. And that synergy was enough for now, with everything else buried. When she fondled him again he'd make a quiet noise of contentment somewhere in his chest. Somewhat jesting, he'd deliver the bad news which he feared, "I worry that all of the marmalade is not so terribly much." Of course, he probably could imagine eating an entire jar of the stuff like a particularly fruity forbidden pudding.
"Come, and when we're done I will show you what I mean with the armillary. And... I love you Dinah." He was glad that he at least had provided her with something useful, beyond himself, but he would not make the mistake of seeking mirth out of her just yet. As far as denying his physical urges, he had centuries of practice of that. He'd stop holding her so close that they might actually make their way down the stairs, and reach to entangle his fingers with hers to pull her toward the stairs.
Dinah curled herself close to him again, giving a sigh when he spoke of the marmalade situation "When the mist is gone, I am going to restock all the cellars." she murmured, but she nodded at his words, lacing her fingers with his and clasping her other hand around his wrist.
"I love you, Dorian" she clung to his arm, holding herself tightly against him as he moved towards the stairs, glancing towards the skull in his terrarium resting place before nudging the door closed with her heel.